And the winner is...

Here is the "Official" Christmas card.
I promise I will rest before I attempt to take a good family picture next time.
I promise I will maybe get a professional photographer next year, no offense NIKON.
I promise to have the entire family in the picture next year. (Bridger thought it would have been a better picture if Brandon would have been in it. What am I? Chopped liver? UGHHH KIDS!!!)
Anyway, If you don't receive a Christmas card from our family consider this yours. I have been driving around the valley at night looking at the lights. With gas so cheap I feel like I am getting paid to look at the lights. And I found out that if I stop and buy my kids a treat before we go then I can look longer. Bridger claims they are boring and if you've seen one you've seen them all. HE IS SO MY DAD!! 8 YEAR OLD FOR SALE!! I hope you are enjoying the season as much as we are.

Christmas Pictures

I took some very informal Christmas pictures this year. I was sick of the pictures where my kids all looked like a kid out of JC Penny ad, you know, perfect hair, perfect outfit, perfect smiling perfect teeth, their little face not blotchy from crying about taking pictures.

So I got them into their PJ's and sat them in front of their Christmas trees and let my Nikon take over. I was quite pleased that of the 24 pictures I took, 3 turned out card worthy. I am now going to treat you to a little glimpse of the cards that for 1 reason or another did not make the cut this season.

Bridger kept asking me if we were done yet...NO NO AND NO! Now look happy and smile! Then he starts telling me about the "chicken man" at his school and he lets them do a funny face, why can't we do a funny face? Please Mom!

Oakley sang through out the entire faux photo shoot. I don't know if Brody was entertained or scared. Both big boys are for once looking picture perfect!

I have nothing to say about Brandon's son in this picture.Brody is crawling away, he thinks this whole picture thing is a joke.

Oh, this picture is it! This is the Christmas card for 2008! Wait, where is the Prince? How come nobody is holding the baby? Remember this is a FAMILY PICTURE!! Oh, we could have been done.


Why is everyone smiling so big and the baby is crying like a baby? the Prince was so done it was beyond funny. I know that your dying to know what the finalist looks like. Well, stay tuned. I will post the finished product later.

What November?

Okay, I totally get the award for the biggest slacker in November. I can't say that I was sewing the world's cutest pajamas for my kids Christmas, or that I had hand fed and raised our turkeys for Thanksgiving and was busy baking the bread for the stuffing, or even cleaning my house like a maniac for the holidays. Nothing like that was happening though I was at the computer every chance I could and I will admit that Brandon and I have become terribly terribly addicted to SPIDER SOLITAIRE!! (it is the other free game on your computer, next to free cell and solitaire) I am sure that this has become the addiction of 2008. You may remember the past addictions...
2007 food
2006 coke a cola
2005 food
2004 food
2003 food
2002 coke a cola
2001 food...you get the idea.
While I haven't broken the cycle on the past addictions, I am getting dare I say better at SS (code for spider solitaire while the kids are at home) and am sure I can quite anytime, just look at me record with the past addictions! My top score is 119. My average is @ 128 and yes, we do keep a paper and pen next to the computer to record our scores. I know those do not sound like impressive numbers but give it a whirl. You have to set it on medium level and then just sit back and forget all your worries, unless you totally suck at the game then I suggest you set it on easy.
When we weren't playing the game we were having a great November. We had a fabulous fabulous Thanksgiving dinner at my Aunts house, I made the best yams in the entire world thanks to my friend M! We got all of the Christmas decorations put up, I managed to go out with my sisters on Black Friday and because I wasn't shopping for anything in particular I was designated driver so the sisters that had shopped could look at all their "loot" while I drove us onto the next store. GOOD TIMES!
While I am sure I am the only blogger that hasn't seen the twilight movie yet, I did get a picture of a vampire...



We dressed the Prince up for my sisters Halloween party and I can announce that he won best costume and bushiest eyebrows awards. Here is another picture 1 month late: the kids Halloween picture before trick or treating... So from this day forward, I will make a solid vow not to take 1 month off of blogging again. maybe 3 1/2 weeks, but not 1 month.

NO OBAMA 4 THIS MAMA!

NO OBAMA 4 THIS MAMA!

That's right, I like the Maverick, (they do have the best Dr. pepper and the Redbox nobody knows about!) and I like the winking,I know they are winking at me and the stiff Frankenstein 2 arm wave. I also like the cute up do and the glasses look. I am pretty sure that, and the shooting your friends while hunting is the look of a true Vice President. So Yea, I did get up and vote at 7am this morning. It may not change anything other than the fact that I can complain for the next 4 years. You know the saying "you don't vote, you don't complain" I have a sick (not the good teenager sick=cool) feeling I may be complaining A LOT over the next 4 years.

If you buy your wife new carpet...

If you liked "IF YOU GIVE A MOUSE A COOKIE" you will really enjoy the new "IF YOU BUY YOUR WIFE NEW CARPET"

If you buy your wife some carpet, she's going to ask for wood plantation shutters.
When you get her the plantation shutters she'll probably ask for wood flooring in the dining room.
When that's finished she'll ask for a new kitchen table and chairs,
then she'll want to look in the kitchen and make sure that doesn't look like crap.
When she looks in the kitchen she'll notice it does look crappy
She's going to need that redone.
she'll then notice she needs an attached garage off the kitchen.
So she'll probably ask for an attached garage.
When your finished with the attached garage she'll want a new car to go in the garage.
when that's done she'll want to take the new car on a ride.
you'll have to pack the kids and go over night somewhere.
when she's sitting at the nice hotel pool she'll remember she's had 4 kids and she'll need a tummy tuck and a front end alignment
After the body ramifications she'll need to shop for new clothes
While shopping she will also have to buy you new clothes
while putting her new clothes away she think she needs a bigger closet
After you build her a bigger closet she'll want a master bathroom
when she's in the master bathtub she'll need a nanny to watch the 4 kids
while the nanny is with the 4 kids she'll want to get a job.
when she gets home from the job and walks into the front room she'll see the carpet and remember that she needs new carpet.

CSI called

You read that correct, CSI the hit crime drama, they called and needed my living room carpet for a few gruesome death scenes in a 1/2 way house, seedy casino or maybe even a brothel, it was that bad.

My carpet was so hellicious (the exact opposite of delicious). It was flesh colored, middle of February flesh colored to make it even worse.

Well, 8 years and 4 kids later my living room, where no kidding, we live, was DISGUSTING. So when Brandon agreed that the Prince could not possibly learn to crawl on such filth, we sprang for some new carpet. While at the carpet store I had but 2 requests, 1-Make sure that the carpet was the color of spilt coca cola and 2- look and feel luxurious without spending the kids college fund.

Mission accomplished. The carpet was installed and looks great. While the spilled coke has not been tested, the look and feel is definitely luxurious.

So if you come to my house for a visit, I will no longer meet you outside on my porch, I will invite you in and let you check out my new carpet, I may even let you take your shoes off and walk on it. Pictures coming soon

Birthday Bath

Bronson turned 4 Monday. This is what he wanted...

This is what he got...
Am I the best mom ever? Bronson wanted a John Deere riding lawnmower and a big barn, a real barn to park the lawn mower in. I let him have a nice long bubble bath. He quickly forgot all about the lawnmower and barn as soon as the bubbles started and he was busy washing the boats. You know the boats that stay in the tub, he is positive they are always dirty. I gave him a rag and he washed both boats for about 50 minutes. It was the best birthday bath ever! Before you call, we did go to Chuck E Cheese and I made cupcakes.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY "Wild Mike" (from the movie Barnyard) he gave himself this nickname and it was pretty much dead on WE LOVE YOU!

Anniversary

Today is our 12th wedding anniversary so for anyone that has lost or didn't receive an invitation, here is another. For those of you that still proudly display this on your fridge. THANK YOU!

Boy how time flies. 12 years later and I am more in love today than on the day we were married. I wouldn't change a thing.

I LOVE YOU BRANDON RHOADES!

On a side note, what I wouldn't give to fit into those jeans today. The hair, true Lehi hair, how I miss it. About Brandon's mustache, it was 1996, everyone had a mustache in 1996. I still love the matching shirts, just ask my boys (it is in case someone gets kidnapped, we can tell the police "they look just like this only smaller/bigger or in this great picture male/female")

So, here's to 12 more great years. 2020! In 2020, we won't have to take the kids with us to JCW's for our very romantic anniversary dinner. Our daughter will be a senior in high school, Bridger better be at college, Bronson will still be entertaining us with his "Wild Mike" impersonations and getting ready to get his drivers license and the Prince will be 12!

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY BRANDON! ( so if you see us today and we are smiling it is because we are so so in love, or I just made a really funny joke, either one)

TAGGED!

Get comfy, I was tagged like a week ago and I finally got my slacker self geared up to respond.

1o years ago I...
1-Just closed down the 3 Sno Shacks I bought and operated that summer
2-Was driving a 68 Chevy longhorn truck (Brandon convinced me it was a classic)
3-Was celebrating my 2 year wedding anniversary
4-Thought I knew everything.....HA!
5-Cutting hair at Fantastic Sam's, my favorite job no really,I loved it

5 things on my "to do" list today...
1-can peaches, SO SO DOMESTICATED!
2-Go to bank.
3-laundry, wash, dry, and here's the deal breaker...PUT IT AWAY!
4-Make dinner
5-GO TO BUNCO
(I kept my day pretty carefree so that I could save my energy for BUNCO, don't be a hater)

5 Snacks that I enjoy...
1-mini vanilla wafers, the colored ones
2-ice water
3-nachos
4-popcorn from the movie theatre with extra grease, ERRR I mean butter
5-chocolate covered tootsie rolls

5 things I would do if I were a millionaire...
1-build a new house
2-have my car professionally detailed
3-save for the kids college
4-travel
5-buy my husband a farm

5 places I have lived...
1-Pleasant Grove, Ut
2-American Fork, Ut
3-Lehi, Ut
4-Sugarhouse, Ut
5-Lehi, UT

5 jobs I have had...
1-K mart
2-Zions bank
3-Utah Truck Systems
4-Hairstylist
5-Sno Shack

I tag...
Taunya
Emily
Whitney
Geri
Hollie

Rules: Each player answers the question themselves. At the end of the post the player then tags 5 people and posts their names, then goes to their blog and leaves them a comment letting them know that they've been tagged and asking them to read your blog. Let the person that tagged you know when you've answered the questions on your blog.

I am NOT a loser!

Today was such a great day! I WON! I REALLY WON! It wasn't some rigged winning like in the past. Brandon didn't have to pay anyone money to call my # in a bingo game, he didn't have to let the judges know ahead of time that I needed to win something or I may break one of their necks, he didn't have to tell my Bunco group I had better win or I was going to be bringing my kids, nothing like that. I won fair and square! Although it wasn't Wheel of Fortune (my lifelong goal) it was a very close 2nd.

My friend Amy has a blog all about healthy Super healthy kids check it out. It is all about preparing and serving healthy snacks and getting your kids to eat better. She had a drawing and I won. I won a box of pistachios. The Everybody's Nuts California pistachios. I know it wasn't a car, or $25,000 in some bonus round or a stuffed animal from the carnival, but this was just a big.

Her blog has been pretty eye opening for me. Like for instance, I didn't realize that serving your kids a bowl of Doritos and a glass of milk for breakfast was so bad. I always passed it off as a kind of "Doritos Cereal" not yet invented, or that if you are going to make your kids oatmeal it is probably not a good idea to put a scoop of vanilla ice cream in as a substitute for milk (when we are out of milk, try it. DELICIOUS!) and so many more things that I was doing, not really wrong, just not really right in the preparing healthy food area.

So to you Amy I say thanks. I am super excited to savor the pistachios and to you reading this, check out Amy's blog and also check out her plate. She has been on Channel 5's Studio Five and Big Idea with Donny Duetsch, and also was a feature in the Utah Valley Magazine.

All I can say is that I have been feeling like a winner all day thanks to Amy, and I have been waiting by the phone for Pat Sajak to call. I'll keep you posted.

***COUNTDOWN TO FREAKIEST WEDDING INVITE OF THE SUMMER 3 DAYS!***

Glue Sticks

FYI when your second graders teacher asks for glue sticks she means these...


Not these.

Bridger has a new "fresh" 22 year old teacher so when she sent home the wish list of school supplies she needed I just assumed that she was a super awesome teacher that uses a glue gun with 25 kids hanging off her. Even while we were at the Devils Warehouse Bridger kept saying "Mom, I need some glue sticks" I kept replying "I know, I know stop telling me what to get." It was not until 4:45 in the morning that I woke up and thought "What the crap is a 2nd grade teacher needing all the glue sticks (for a glue gun) for? Then it hit me like a ton of glue sticks...SHE DOESN'T BRAINIACK!

When I explained to the lady back at Devils Warehouse, why I was returning them, she even said "Why would a teacher be using a glue gun around the little kids?" That lady is smart I thought, thus the prestigious job at Devils Warehouse returning crap from moms whose brains are so fried they can't think straight.

Stay tuned...FREAKIEST WEDDING ANNOUNCEMENT OF THE SUMMER COMING SOON!

Olympics

Like most of you, we have been watching the Olympics. Unlike most of you, Brandon and I are Armchair Olympians. An armchair Olympian is someone (us) that watches the Olympics with the remote control ready at a moments notice to rewind and critique all events. Here are a few examples:

GYMNASTICS...

"Oh, she is totally out of bounds, she should have practiced that more"

" Wow! is that all she can do? That routine on the uneven bars wasn't even as good as the other athletes, I bet that Campbakiscan wishes they would train their athletes from age 3 instead of age 5"

"Come on Nastya (I know that is not how to spell her name, but that is how I, a hick from Utah pronounces it) You were robbed, I bet if you and your dad would have just put in 33 more hours in the gym you could have gotten the gold. China robbed you! (being Nastya biggest fan, I am boycotting all Chinese food until the Olympics are over)

"Oh that little terd! (this is Brandon's pet nickname for Shawn Johnson, his favorite gymnast) She finally won a gold medal! I just knew that she would. I bet if the Chinese weren't cheating and their gymnasts weren't 9 she would have won all gold! GO LITTLE TERD!

Men's rings (someone fell) Holy Crap, I can't believe he just fell, he looks like he isn't even trying! He should have tried harder, what was he thinking?"

TRACK AND FIELD...

"Is that all they can do? 100 meters 9 seconds? huh, I bet he could have done better. (As I sit on my couch eating a bowl of Cheetos)

"Well, those Jamaicans have to run fast, they are always trying to be the first to the pier to beg for $ when the cruise ships pull into port. You know what they say, "No mon, No fun"

"Oh, she totally tripped on that hurdle. She should have just lifted her leg up 1 inch more. (I haven't lifted my leg up that high in my life!)

TRAMPOLINE (THE CURLING OF THE SUMMER OLYMPICS)...

"Only 4 sidewinder back flips? What is her problem? She just bounced an extra bounce, that will cost her"

"This chick is bouncing for hours, just get to the required height for your crazy spinning, flipping, 17 back flipping routine already! Crimeny!"

BMX...

"DO NOT LET OUR 7 YEAR OLD SEE THIS EVENT!"

BEACH VOLLEYBALL

"Why do they have to stop after 3 points and get a drink and wipe themselves down with a towel?"

"Can't they just play to 21 and then take a break?" (I say as I lay on the couch with a cold drink and a towel)

SWIMMING...

Why are the synchronized divers so off? haven't they practiced?" (yea, only for 4 years!)

Men's 4x4 medley: "HURRY!HURRY! HURRY! They are hardly even trying, They better not loose and make USA look bad, If Australia wins, I may have to boycott the OUTBACK STEAKHOUSE until after the OLYMPICS... GO USA! For the love of the bloomin onion, GO USA!

Michael Phelps: "12,000 calories a day, phffff! I have been doing that for years!"

HANDS ON FUN

A Play

The cast of
characters...

3 kids that rhyme with shmitty.
1 husband, Playing the part of the HERO

1 haggy housewife, playing the part of the haggy housewife

1 blue ball.

1 2x12 board with a stinkin sharp knife taped to the end

The scene...

ditch bank, middle of Utah. Water running freely down ditch.

Setting... a beautiful Tuesday morning. August.

Scene 1 Parents eating breakfast at table, (cold cereal) talking about what great kids they have and maybe they should consider "renting" said kids to other, less fortunate couples.

Enter Shmitty kid #1: "Mom, dad! shmitty kid #3 just put "hands on fun" blue ball into ditch culvert and it is stuck in the middle of the pipe and water is backing up into neighbors field. Help! Help!"

Hero " Why did he do that? Can't you guys just play in the ditch in your pajamas like regular redneck kids?"

Haggy housewife "Was it that rubber playground ball that we spent $20 on at the family reunion raffle last weekend and all we got was a blue ball (insert 8Th grade joke here, we have since Saturday night at 9:00) LOL."

Shmitty kid #1 "Yea, help! help !"

SCENE 2 ditch bank

Hero: " get the shovel!"

Shmitty kids fight over which shmitt will get shovel. Hero gets shovel, haggy housewife enters scene with duct tape and the pointiest knife she received for wedding 12 years ago. Hero tries to reach "hands on fun" with shovel through pipe, no luck...cue sad little shmitt faces.

Haggy wife: "let's get a long board out of our pile of long boards and tape knife to board and pop "hands on fun" in the pipe." Cue shmitts, start fighting and crying about popping blue ball.

Hero: "We will have to turn off the water for a while so we can fix this." "Haggy wife, turn water out of this ditch and into the pasture"

Haggy Wife: "let me get my awesome "midtown" bike, this is a perfect oppurtunity to ride my bike"

Hero: ( while walking to turn water) "forget it, I am already 1/2 way there!"

Haggy Wife: "Fine, your the hero, you save the day, you do everything" in a joking voice. Hero gives the, "I should have stayed single" look that is ever so present throughout the play.

(water dies down, tape is used to fasten knife to long board, shmitts are still acting like shmitts.)

Haggy wife: Just put the long board into the pipe and we will hear a pop, that means the ball will fit through the other side, and if this does not work let's get one of your guns and shoot it into the pipe, that will pop the d*mn $20 ball" (angry voice)

Hero: " I am not going to shoot a gun into a metal pipe, It will rickshaw and blow my head off!"

Haggy Wife: " Well, don't look into the pipe while shooting your gun, Duh."

Hero : "let's just try this knife thing first." (sighs LOUDLY)

Haggy Wife: "Fine, sounds great" (sighing LOUDER)

CUE shmitts, acting all crazy and bawling (mostly shmitt #2) because they are going to loose the "Hands On Fun" ball.

Hero inserts board into pipe and a "whoosh" is heard, the blue ball is popped! Hero and Haggy Wife are now giving each other the look of...(hands on fun, yes, this was the best $20 hands on fun we could have had all summer!) Water is turned back on, blue ball flows out of the other side of the pipe, and Tuesdays irrigation is going strong. Hero and Haggy Wife yell at 3 shmitts, telling them not to put anything into pipe blah blah blah.

Haggy Wife to Hero: "I am so going to blog about this!"

Hero: " I am sure you will, Just make sure you call all of the kids something that rhymes with shmitt."

Haggy Wife: "I will, oh, I will."

CURTAIN FALLS...Shmitty kids can still be heard fighting about the popped blue ball.

The End.

A picture to prove it...

We got invited (invited ourselves) to go camping with Brandon's brother and his family. It was a blast, now that we are home and all the laundry is washed and the trailer is cleaned out and nobody smells like OFF bug repellent OR campfire. The kids played in the stream, rode bikes, played games, played with cousins, played with the "camping barbies" (yes, they really do have "camping barbies", they are the barbies that you bring camping hoping that they will get lost out in the wilderness and be left, a kind of thinning the herd if you will). The kids had a blast. Brandon cut firewood (I call that work) and I lounged around between meals and watched the Prince grow.

What did I, mother of the year do for 4 days? I ATE, I ATE ALOT! I pretty much woke up and had a small bowl of cereal, not wanting to waste calories on breakfast and lunch, I ate sparingly for the daylight hours, so that I could eat at breakneck speeds from 6p.m.-till I fell asleep out of dutch oven food exhaustion. We ate alot of dutch oven cooking, actually I got all the ingredients put together and bossed Brandon around the campfire, telling him how to cook said dutch oven meals (I really don't like to smell like camp fire, so I only get close while A-roasting marshmallows or B-throwing a dirty plate into the fire, like chuckarama, you need to get a clean plate between helpings). I know that you want pictures, and here is the 1 and only 1 picture that we took the entire "memory making" weekend...





It is a picture of a relatives headstone that we may or may not be related to. Brandon has been wanting to check out the Fruitland cemetery, a very happening place by the way, and look for this headstone of this person that he thinks may be a relative. (A genealogy thing, I'll never understand.) As we pulled into the tiny cemetery, pulling our 5th wheel if you can imagine,

Brandon says "get the camera I want to take a picture of this headstone if I find it"
I reply, "No, you can't because I was to lazy to get the camera out of my purse and take pictures the entire camping trip and I don't want this to come back and haunt me."
He says "It will only haunt you if this headstone is the one that I really need and I don't get all the information right."
So I say," Okay, but maybe take a picture of the 3 stinky ornery, buggery kids running around this blankety blank cemetery."
He just laughs, I go back to reading my book...(The Choice by Nicholas Sparks and by the way it was really good) and after about 5 minutes everyone is piled back into the truck and we are going down the road,
I ask "did you get any pictures of the kids?"
He says "No, they were running around and I didn't want them in the picture with the headstone of the guy we may or may not be related to"
I say, "Great, we might as well have stayed home, now I feel guilty because I didn't get any pictures of the great weekend" (great because we are on our way home, it is like one of those trips that you don't realize is great until you are home, and then it gets better as the days go by and you realize your normal life is dull and the camping trip was super fabulous!)
So long story short, don't mention around us that your family is going camping for a long weekend (we may get ourselves invited, or you may feel compelled to invite us) and don't ask me to scrapbook anything that had to do with the 24th of July weekend, unless you want to see a headstone of the relative that Brandon may or may not be related to.
Keep your dutch ovens greased, Doreen.

Tickers

So I was checking out people I want to know better (BLOG STALKING) and I noticed almost everyone has a ticker or a countdown to something great happening in their life. I even have a "back to school" countdown, so I am guilty of the countdown frenzy.

One ticker that I came across was quite terrifying...A NURSING TICKER. Apparently people want other people to know that they are breastfeeding and bragging about how long they can keep up the feeding frenzy ( I am not bitter about all you great nursing moms I'm not). I saw this and was a little taken back. Maybe it is because I will never win the award for "best breastfeeding mom of 2008", so I found this said ticker a little crazy/gross. It just struck me that you shouldn't have to announce how your feeding a baby if their oh, I don't know, under 6 months. Most babies have to eat, and most moms breastfeed or give a baby a bottle so take note...YOU SO NOT HAVE TO ANNOUNCE THIS!! I have never read an obituary (and I read them all) that said "baby starved right to death". It is just a given that if you have a baby your feeding them something.

To illustrate how this works I have added a breastfeeding ticker, (FYI I am done nursing, this is just for your enjoyment I swear, and I want to feel like a cool mom.) I also love the picture...Both mom and dad are not wearing a shirt, does dad just want to feel as agitated and frustrated as the mom that can't nurse with her shirt on, or with out 23 pillows surrounding her, or without the tv remote, the phone, a 59oz glass of water and 2 or 3 magazines strategically placed around her while she feeds her baby in the most relaxing and natural way there is? I am still not bitter, I LOVE YOU ENFAMIL and AVENT. p.s The prince now weighs 16 lbs. So literally "suck that" breastfeeding warriors. I am still not bitter, breastfeeding is just not for everyone. (at least that's what my husband keeps telling me)

The bearded lady

WARNING GROSS STUFF WRITTEN IN THIS POST...KEEP A THROW UP BOWL CLOSE BY!!

I knew there was a problem when I went through the drive through at the bank and the teller asked if I was going to use the $20 cash back to buy a razor. I am a hairy mess. I am having "hormone" issues (that's what I call gross stuff) and I am blaming it all on having a baby boy. So GOOD NEWS: I made an appointment to have a lip, chin and brow wax, and now I am no longer the bearded lady. Maybe that's why I can't get a date with my husband, he has a "no more facial hair than me" policy and I don't make the cut. Anyway, so back to the waxing thing...I go and get all smoothed over and the girl asks if I may be interested in LASER HAIR REMOVAL on my chin and lip. I am thinking she must think I resemble a billy goat, what with my hairy chin and matching "stach". So I say, "I may be" (yea,when monkeys fly out of my butt) and take the paper. As I am driving home and at every red light feeling my smooth as a baby butt face I am thinking... Maybe I do want/need Laser hair removal, I could feel this silky smooth all the time. I am still thinking about it. I wish my dentist would do laser hair removal or even just waxing while I was all numb from getting my cavities fixed, two ouch things in one appointment...GREAT!!

One bad thing about getting waxed is that now I have no goatee or mustache to "shadow" my acne. ACNE I said. I told you this whole post is gross. I thought that you are supposed to outgrow zits in like the 11th grade. I guess I am now going through "mom puberty", you know it is when you act all crazy and ornery all the time and you have zits and you are lazy and all you want to do is lay around, and if I didn't have morals I would want to "neck" and "heavy pet" with my husband, and if you could text faster than 3 words a minute I would text someone something cool in the text language that I can't even figure out. So one reason that I think I will pass on the laser removal is that I like my acne to be covered up part of the time, and I like to go and as my sister Julie says, "feel pampered" even if that "pampered" is essentially ripping out my lip hair by the root. It is one of the perks having as much facial hair as the bearded lady.

Irrigation

As you can see by the picture, it is swim season at our house. Join us every Tuesday for the irrigation turn, err I mean swimming in our hillbilly pool. Last year I was pregnant with the Prince and very sick, that combined with the Cryptosporidium outbreak (people with diarrhea going swimming, moms changing their babies diapers by the pool, basically any type of pooh except Winnie the Pooh in the pool area. Super gross, I know.) makes me dry heave at even the thought of swimming in the public pool. But no worries, I am getting better, I can at least talk about people with diarrhea, I just can't talk about moms changing babies diapers by pools, even though I change about 8 a day in my own home. So we haven't gone public swimming for about a year. We have been swimming in our ditch every Tuesday though, and let me tell you, it is a blast. Just like the Public pools we also have rules.

• If you think your drowning CALM DOWN AND STAND UP! the water level is about 2 feet and since none of my children are vertically impaired this is not a problem. The problem is when they are playing and "forget" that they are in the ditch and start "floundering" around and get all freaky and think they are drowning. There is no life guard, unless you count the guy we take the water from and he doesn't give a crap what the kids are doing as long as it is not on his water turn.



• Wear shoes, unlike most public pools where they are all about the no shoes in the pool, I prefer my kids to have their shoes on, it is very embarrassing to explain to insta care that your child has a cut foot because they were chasing a stick down the ditch and cut their foot. It is also fun to take off your shoe and watch it float down to a sibling, this is hard to do if your shoes are in the house. So for the love and the $10 co-pay, wear shoes.



• Wear a swimsuit or not, I don't really care. Again, this is where the public pool and I are different. Wearing a swimsuit at the pool is fun,but at the ditch it is just one more thing for a mom to wash, and I am really not a washing/drying type of mom in the summer. Swimming in your clothes in the ditch is like a "wash" and playing OUTSIDE until you dry is like a "dry", making just 1 less thing for me to do. As you can see in the picture, Oakley is in her swimsuit, and that is because she is in a "mermaid" phase and really thinks that she is a mermaid while she is wearing a swimsuit. Thanks TV show H2o Just add Water!



• Bring your bikes, Bring your dump trucks, just don't bring your littlest pet shops or Polly pockets, they will float away. The public pool frowns on boys bikes IN THE POOL. But not here, this is a bike wash, and a cool refreshing swim all in one. Dump trucks are also allowed, just make sure they get put away so I don't run the darn thing over while backing out of the driveway.



• There is no wait 30 minutes to swim rule. As soon as the water is turned down the ditch it is everyman for himself, just get out there kids. Imagine me in my Drill Sargent Voice..."Move it Move it Move it...", the Drill Sargent voice that I use at home, not the one that I use in the Primary at church, totally different tones.



• If you have diarrhea, feel free to swim...DOWNSTREAM key word here is downstream. I will not be going into more detail on this, it is common sense.



• Do not drink the water! Any questions see the rule above. We are at the bottom end of the irrigation ditch's and you never know, some mother may be changing her babies diaper on a ditch bank UPSTREAM. Totally Gross.



• If it is not Tuesday, WE ARE NOT IRRIGATING! Ask my 7 year old with the hideous scar (didn't want to explain to insta care) from pulling the head gate up his leg while trying to steal water ON A THURSDAY! I told him that is Karma working for ya, it is illegal to steal water, he is just lucky he wasn't shot by the guy who's turn is on Thursday.

So, if you are driving by and see us playing in the ditch, Do Not Call DCFS. They are aware that we still play in the ditch even though the year is not 1984. (Thanks for the call of concern) Feel free to find some cut offs or a string bikini thong (both not allowed at the public pool) and join us.

Staying Calm

My sweet sweet children, oh how I love them. they are so great. I just think that they are priceless. speaking of priceless, I have some very very nice shampoo and conditioner that is called CALM (real name). When I bought this shampoo and conditioner I was close to having the Prince and I thought that something I would need with 4 kids is some calm hair. I bought the shampoo and conditioner and let me tell ya, it was not cheap, but I figured if you were going to buy "calm" it would probably cost about this much ($8 per bottle, $16 if I didn't have my cosmetologist license) it smells great and it does make your hair calm.

Skip ahead 3 months...My lovely, lovely offspring are taking a bath, yea together, I am going "GREEN" and this is saving some water, whatever, I am just lazy and I figured it is hard for 3 kids to drowned if there wasn't room for them to lay down in the tub and maybe I could watch Deal or no deal with the Prince. So after some time goes by I am thinking that the kids are sure playing great, it is quiet and nobody has come out crying, heck, they haven't even come out. GREAT! my kids are finally doing something without me. NO, I start to smell my Calm shampoo, I am not feeling calm, I am feeling panicked, this shampoo cost me the equivalent of 2 gallons of milk. I go into the bathroom and low and behold my sweeties are having a bubble bath. A tub full of calming bubbles. The kids all looked calm, Bronson even has a "calm" bubble beard (looked great), Oakley has bubble gloves on and Bridger is trying to get all the bubbles on his chest like a big "calm" bubble shirt.

3 Words: I FREAKED OUT!! I know what your thinking, STAY CALM, STAY CALM, I couldn't, all I could think about was now my shampoo to conditioner ratio was off and I would have to start using a ton more conditioner so that the shampoo and conditioner would run out on or about the same day. My kids were like "What? All we wanted was a bubble bath, other moms let their kids have a bubble bath all the time and we can't even have 1 in the summer moan moan moan...") I am trying to stay calm, all that I can see is bubbles all over (I guess expensive shampoo makes great bubbles). So I get all the kids rinsed off, they all smelled really good by the way, and into their pajamas and they went to bed early that night.

I suppose when I get new shampoo I will look for the brand "no more freak outs" I am pretty sure that they sell it right next to the brands "no more tears" and "no more binge eating" If only they sold the brand "No more baby fat" I would buy that by the gallon.

Where have I been?

Where have I been you are asking yourself? Was there an industrial accident and did she loose both of her typing fingers? Did she look directly into the sun and has she gone blind you ask? Has she finally committed herself? Why is there no blogs for over 1 week!! Answer... I Got Myself A Bike!! A bike you ask, can she pedal a bike? I didn't know that they made training wheels for the "over 30" group. Is she tied with a rope to the back of someones car and being pulled? Does her husband know that she is pedaling a** all over town? I understand the confusion and all the questions. I haven't had a bike since I was 11. Me and my friends would arrange our piano lessons in order and we would pedal down from "the bench" where we lived to the high school and have piano lessons. After we finished piano we would ride to the Broadcaster (an old lehi hamburger place with yummy fry sauce) and have lunch, then ride to harts and get a drink and pedal home. Sometimes if we were feeling rich we would go "shopping" at the little Penny's store on main. Oh how I miss those days.

So, I have really done it, I joined the "ELITE" biking culture. "ELITE" biking culture you say? What's that? I may need to join such "ELITE" group. No, believe me, it is not that prestigious as I a newly inducted member have made the group seem. There are some drawbacks. A few you may have heard a few you may not. As this is all new to me I will share the drawbacks with you.

• The sore spots on the underside of your body. Do not make me explain this any further, let's just say I will be getting a gel seat cover, or a gallon of icy hot. (note to self: invent a bike with a Lazy Boy seat.) This is where the padded shorts would be handy.

• The helmet. Do you really need a helmet? YES! I was told, even after explaining that I am a child raised in the 80's in Lehi and we didn't need a helmet then, we surely don't need one now. I mean cars were made of metal then, and plastic now. Not so...Everyone wears a helmet and they do not complain that it really messes up their "Lehi hair". It does, helmets and a really big hair do not go together, that said, I think most people biking out there aren't really original Lehi people.

• Commuter bike! What the crap is a commuter bike? I said the same thing as my riding partner was leaving me in the dust. I do not have a commuter bike, she does. Basically a commuter bike is for people who want to get somewhere really fast and not want to pedal their a** off to do it. I have a "holly hobby" type bike, that is for that mean lady in The Wizard of Oz (you know, she was going to get Dorothy's little dog), girls in the 5th grade, ladies that have no where to go particularly fast and the last category, 30 somethings that are completely out of shape after having 4 kids and do not want to spend a small fortune to get somewhere really fast. My bike is named "midtown" enough said.

• The tingy bell...I will be getting one after riding on main street at 7:30 this morning and telling a kid "I am coming on your left" easy to understand right? No, he moves to the left side of the sidewalk I about ride up his shorts, keep in mind I am an overweight housewife who does not want to slow down, I haven't had this much wind beneath my wings since the movie Beaches in 1989. besides, what is he doing up at this hour, it is summer for crying out loud.

Besides these few drawbacks, riding my bike has been the most fun I have had all summer. Even if my riding partner does not want to ride to the Lehi Bakery and get a donut and call it exercise, riding is a blast. We did manage a small "Tour De Lehi" it was a great time had by all.

It is nice after being with the kids all day that this is something that I can do alone. I have thought of putting a child seat on the back or pulling a little trailer behind, but then I would only pedal faster, making it look like I am trying to get away from the trailer with the kids in it. On a bike you can get places really fast (if you pedal fast). I made it from my house to the high school in about 10 minutes. I can get to the cemetery from my house in about 15 minutes. I also think that I need to get a basket on my bike, not for little dogs, but for maybe groceries (read: donuts from Lehi bakery) and a gallon of milk or something.

Oakley and Bridger ride their bikes to church, so I asked my husband if he thought that it would be okay if I rode my bike to church on Sunday, he just looked at me and said "knock yourself out" I took that as a NO and walked with him. Maybe next week if it is not to hot I will buy me some bike shorts and wear them under my dress and ride to church, then take off shorts in the bathroom and put them in my primary bag until time to ride home. I could get home maybe 5 minutes faster and be changed before Brandon got home, also we have forgot the binky for the baby and had to send Bridger back on his bike to get it. If I rode my bike I could get forgotten items on my bike. Good Times.

The Prince goes to college

Guess who went to college, the Prince, and guess what, THEY CALLED AND ASKED (I like to think begged) him to come. BYU is doing a study on world's cutest baby and they called us first. Just kidding, it is a test on visual and audio waves or something in babies brains that may rhyme with audio and visual, (there was a lot of shiny things in the little lab and I could not concentrate on what they were saying) I did get a copy of the consent form though.
It was so funny, there were 4 college students 3 guys and a girl and of course they did not have kids or had obviously been around a lot of kids because every little sound he made at least 2 of them would say, "it's ok" or "shush shush shush" I was like...come on this isn't even crying. I really wanted to see if they did babysitting, a babysitter that concerned is totally worth $2.50 an hour. The Prince did really good, he just sat there while they put an electrode hat thing on...see picture and then he had to watch a 3 minute movie. I was a little bummed it wasn't Sex and The City, Brandon would never see that with me and I was hoping this was my chance. No such luck, it was a movie with a blue dot and sometimes the sound of a beep. (pretty boring) and then every 30 seconds or so a duck would come on the screen and quack to get the babies attention. (I think that if there was a duck every 2 minutes or so in sacrament I would stay more focused myself.)
The entire test took from start to finish 10 minutes. The Prince was really good and after he received a 4 year full ride scholarship to BYU because he had so many brain activities (my boy or what?) No, he really only got this picture and a certificate saying thanks BLAH BLAH BLAH. Brandon and I have high hopes for the prince. BYU is not a requirement, but it would make us proud and poor.

Father knows best

I would like to dedicate this blog to my dad. I couldn't find a card that said exactly what I wanted to say so I wrote this myself:

To my Dad on Fathers Day...

You always tell great jokes.

You like eggs with runny yolks.

Dad, I always need your advice.

Especially when you told me how to get rid of mice.

Dad, you got me hooked on coke

And my dentist knows that's no joke

You taught me how to shovel cow pooh

Dad I really love you!

Love Your favorite daughter Doreen.

I was thinking about all of the great advice he has given me and all of the great things he has taught me and I want to share it with you today. This is in no order of importance, just advice and great things dad has taught me.

"CLUTCH CLUTCH CLUTCH" (while teaching me to drive a stick shift)

You always have 2 choices "YOU CAN EITHER SHI* OR GO BLIND" (I have not gone blind yet.)

A BIRD IN THE HAND IS WORTH 10 IN THE BUSH

YOU DON'T WORK, YOU DON'T EAT.

YOU START WALKING HOME FROM SCHOOL (3 MILES) AND I WILL COME PICK YOU UP...(40 YARDS FROM THE DRIVEWAY.)

Dad, you taught me how to stack firewood (I challenge anyone to a stack off, this fall my house)

You taught me how load the truck and trailer with firewood, drink pop till my guts hurt and then how to shoot the pop cans with your gun all in one day! And, call it a vacation (Priceless)

You told me: "school dances weren't all that great, come home and pick peaches"

It is easier Not to pick the tops off of weeds while weeding

A Bushel of apples is @45lbs.

If you are selling apples in a blizzard in Kamas to a house that has a "no soliciting" sign, knock anyway, everyone LOVES apples. (they don't FYI)

If you drive the tractor into the barn, Watch what you are doing next time.

To always keep a list of everything you need to get done. (check out the picture...list is in pocket)

That Leno is funnier than Letterman.

Coasting while driving may not save gas, but it will give everyone a fun game to play...How far can we coast?

3 words..."Island or Peninsula" (deercreek resevoir) Dad, it's a peninsula as of Sunday 6/15/08 save you the trip.

The song "we are Marching to Pretoria" my kids think I am totally crazy when I suggest singing that in the car.

Dad, you taught me to whistle, and boy can I whistle, again, if you are in the mood for a whitsling match, I am in the phone book, don't hesitate.

Always Make hay while the sun is shining, But pick apples till dark.

last but not least you taught me that family is important and that getting together on Sunday night is the best part of my week. Thank You dad, I Love you. Love your little Beans, Doreen.

Doreen Doreen Doreen

It's official I have a stalker. You will not believe me, but it is Tori Spelling. How do I know? Well guess who just named her baby after me? Yea, I was a little shocked myself to learn that Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott named their sweet baby girl Stella Doreen. I thought it was a nice gesture seeming how I touched her spirit in someway through my blog. Brandon is not so sure and wants me to stop calling them to wish them good luck with little Doreen. (unsuccessful by the way, but an LA County police officer has returned my calls telling me to quite calling them, I found it weird that Tori has a police officer returning her calls.) I am sure that Tori is trying to bring the name Doreen back just like Justin Timberlake has brought sexy back, where was sexy anyway? I may just live in a small town but I really didn't think that sexy had gone anywhere. Regardless Justin brought it back and made a great song doing it.

All in all if you are expecting a baby or know someone that is, you should encourage them to give the name Doreen a try. It has worked great for me. Sure I can not find pencils or a cute glitter sticker set with my name on it but the name Doreen is timeless. Timeless in the sense that I have never (until Tori Spellings baby) met a Doreen younger than me. There is a Doreen at the discount bread store, and a lady that comes to my sno shack that has a Great Aunt named Doreen, but no young Doreen's. WE ARE A DYING BREED. So to Tori I say thanks, thanks for bringing Doreen back and we will try to stay sexy for you to Justin Timberlake.

Reunion Schmeunion

Saturday was Brandon's Dads side extended family reunion and we are not really that close to them so...WE HAVE NEVER BEEN! So I suppose this year we were feeling bored and the fact that Bridger read that they were having a PIE EATING CONTEST . Yes, he is my son, I have had many a pie eating contests and all alone, only mine are in the comfort of my own home and at night after my kids are asleep and it is not just pie (oreos, cake, anything not nailed down). So we were "doomed" to attend for the sake of this pie eating contest. Was it was worth walking around in a field with horse poop and playing games for 40 minutes YES!! because HE WON!! Our Bridger made us (me) proud. All I could think was... look out 100lb oriental hot dog eating champ, my 7 year old 80lb pie eater is coming your way so brace yourself. I came home and looked up competitive eating for the juniors division and there was none. But I figured I could totally save on my food bill if he had 2 or 3 competitions a week like this.

* I would find like a milk jug chugging contest, as long as he could drink straight from the carton he could totally take it, Lord knows he's been practicing for 3 years. *Maybe a 6lb tub of licorice contest, as long as he had to eat it sneaky (so moms wouldn't notice 3 lbs missing) that one to...IN THE BAG!! * The Cold cereal contest...Eat the whole box while reading the back and sides of the box DONE AND DONE!

The people at the reunion were HIDEOUS. Brandon mentioned that maybe the ugly stick had fallen onto the entire group a few reunions back and it was still being passed around. I can say this because I was to mesmerized by the people to take any pictures. I wondered if maybe the carnival was in town. People, take my word for it...UGLY, the homemade dresses were plentiful and ringlets were everywhere. I thought maybe Laura Ingles Wilder was a long lost descendant and we missed the memo to come and pay homage to the Ingles family. I felt a little "horish" because of the hairspray and lipstick I was wearing. Brandon felt over dressed in his store bought denim pants. I love reunions like this because my kids look like they just came from the jc penny catalog (hair done, shoes on their feet, not missing ALL of their teeth).

I know that you want to know what was to eat and who doesn't. HOT DOG ROAST!! They dug a whole in their backyard and filled it with wood and started a fire to roast weenies. They also had salads. It was sad but true, we had a prior engagement and had to leave (taco amigo).

One good thing that came from the reunion was a picture with Brandon's Grandma and Grandpa. They had not seen the baby and we figured, get credit for attending the reunion and show the Prince to the relates. Great, let's take a picture...Brandon and the Bronson were sitting by his grandpa and I said "Grandpa look over at me and I will take your picture" he said " I don't want to be at this reunion, and I really don't want my picture taken" (who does I thought) He then turned his head AWAY from the camera so we have a picture of Brandon and the Bronson and the side of Grandpas head. Scrapbook worthy!

All in all this reunion made us thankful that

1- we are Dang good looking folks

2- we had some good material to laugh about all weekend.

3- we got credit for going and won't have to go for another 12 years.
Keeping your sides in stiches...Doreen

My first born BLOG

Announcing the arrival of Doreens Blog. After much poking and proding and my sister Julie coming to my house and helping (re-doing the entire thing for me) I have a blog. I seriously didn't think these things would catch on. Just like dvds or the internet or cell phones, I thought it was a fad and would go away, not so much. Hey, vanilla coke didn't last, who's to say anything will.

About me...I am a mom to 4 kids Bridger is 7 Oakley is 5 Bronson is 3 and the "Prince" Brody is 3 months, we don't like him the most he just hasn't ruined any of our stuff yet and his school teacher hasn't wanted to "talk" to us, his dance clothes didn't cost more than my wedding dress and he doesn't want to go on the $8,000.00 Nickelodeon cruise this summer. I have been married to Brandon almost 12 years and it just keeps getting better.

I know that you are thinking that this blog is not yet funny, and that is okay, I am saving my funny blogs for later.

TAGGED: (this is from my sister Julie, not the blog stalker but the blog starter. Thanks Jules)Random things about me that you really want to know or not who cares...

1-I am off coca cola, like a death in the family I had the Prince and lost the taste of it. I do think about it 4 or 11 times a hour but the taste is totally off for me and it is really like loosing a loved one. I miss you Cherry Coke, but I know I am better off without you. p.s. I am still fat I haven't lost weight, just a myth that pop makes you fat.

2-I want to be a stand up comedian when I grow up. I was watching Last Comic Standing last week and I asked Bridger if he thought that I could do that and he looked at me totally serious and said "your not that funny" I looked back at him and said "It's time for bed"

3-I don't worry about things, if it is meant to happen it will, if it happens fix it, if it doesn't happen don't worry about it.

4-I love to cook with butter I have a favorite cookie recipe, it takes 4 cubes of butter. I sleep with that recipe under m pillow it is that good.

5-I listen to talk radio in the car and I talk back to the person calling in. yea, I think that I am all knowing.

6-I am just like my dad. He hates to clean, I hate to clean, He likes to tease, I like to tease, He tells jokes, I tell jokes (in my head they are totally funny). I look like him, He looks like my dad enough said.

7-I LOVE Dryers peanut butter and chocolate ice cream THANKS JANA!! I have never locked my deep freeze until I brought that ice cream home. Heaven forbid someone breaks in and steals that. Take the dvd player people we all know that is just a fad leave my Dryers alone.

8-I love my car. really, it is almost 10 years old, and I love it. Are you listening Ford?

9-MY BED IS TOTALLY THE BEST!! it is a my comfort. If my house started on fire I would risk my life trying to get that thing out. The dryers would be fine as long as the Lehi Fire Dept. didn't find some spoons and the deep freeze key have mercy.

10-My favorite pair of pants right now is a pair of grey velour MATERNITY stretch pants like JLO'S only a little bigger. I have been glad it is cool weather lately so that I can wear these "one more time"