Olympics

Like most of you, we have been watching the Olympics. Unlike most of you, Brandon and I are Armchair Olympians. An armchair Olympian is someone (us) that watches the Olympics with the remote control ready at a moments notice to rewind and critique all events. Here are a few examples:

GYMNASTICS...

"Oh, she is totally out of bounds, she should have practiced that more"

" Wow! is that all she can do? That routine on the uneven bars wasn't even as good as the other athletes, I bet that Campbakiscan wishes they would train their athletes from age 3 instead of age 5"

"Come on Nastya (I know that is not how to spell her name, but that is how I, a hick from Utah pronounces it) You were robbed, I bet if you and your dad would have just put in 33 more hours in the gym you could have gotten the gold. China robbed you! (being Nastya biggest fan, I am boycotting all Chinese food until the Olympics are over)

"Oh that little terd! (this is Brandon's pet nickname for Shawn Johnson, his favorite gymnast) She finally won a gold medal! I just knew that she would. I bet if the Chinese weren't cheating and their gymnasts weren't 9 she would have won all gold! GO LITTLE TERD!

Men's rings (someone fell) Holy Crap, I can't believe he just fell, he looks like he isn't even trying! He should have tried harder, what was he thinking?"

TRACK AND FIELD...

"Is that all they can do? 100 meters 9 seconds? huh, I bet he could have done better. (As I sit on my couch eating a bowl of Cheetos)

"Well, those Jamaicans have to run fast, they are always trying to be the first to the pier to beg for $ when the cruise ships pull into port. You know what they say, "No mon, No fun"

"Oh, she totally tripped on that hurdle. She should have just lifted her leg up 1 inch more. (I haven't lifted my leg up that high in my life!)

TRAMPOLINE (THE CURLING OF THE SUMMER OLYMPICS)...

"Only 4 sidewinder back flips? What is her problem? She just bounced an extra bounce, that will cost her"

"This chick is bouncing for hours, just get to the required height for your crazy spinning, flipping, 17 back flipping routine already! Crimeny!"

BMX...

"DO NOT LET OUR 7 YEAR OLD SEE THIS EVENT!"

BEACH VOLLEYBALL

"Why do they have to stop after 3 points and get a drink and wipe themselves down with a towel?"

"Can't they just play to 21 and then take a break?" (I say as I lay on the couch with a cold drink and a towel)

SWIMMING...

Why are the synchronized divers so off? haven't they practiced?" (yea, only for 4 years!)

Men's 4x4 medley: "HURRY!HURRY! HURRY! They are hardly even trying, They better not loose and make USA look bad, If Australia wins, I may have to boycott the OUTBACK STEAKHOUSE until after the OLYMPICS... GO USA! For the love of the bloomin onion, GO USA!

Michael Phelps: "12,000 calories a day, phffff! I have been doing that for years!"

HANDS ON FUN

A Play

The cast of
characters...

3 kids that rhyme with shmitty.
1 husband, Playing the part of the HERO

1 haggy housewife, playing the part of the haggy housewife

1 blue ball.

1 2x12 board with a stinkin sharp knife taped to the end

The scene...

ditch bank, middle of Utah. Water running freely down ditch.

Setting... a beautiful Tuesday morning. August.

Scene 1 Parents eating breakfast at table, (cold cereal) talking about what great kids they have and maybe they should consider "renting" said kids to other, less fortunate couples.

Enter Shmitty kid #1: "Mom, dad! shmitty kid #3 just put "hands on fun" blue ball into ditch culvert and it is stuck in the middle of the pipe and water is backing up into neighbors field. Help! Help!"

Hero " Why did he do that? Can't you guys just play in the ditch in your pajamas like regular redneck kids?"

Haggy housewife "Was it that rubber playground ball that we spent $20 on at the family reunion raffle last weekend and all we got was a blue ball (insert 8Th grade joke here, we have since Saturday night at 9:00) LOL."

Shmitty kid #1 "Yea, help! help !"

SCENE 2 ditch bank

Hero: " get the shovel!"

Shmitty kids fight over which shmitt will get shovel. Hero gets shovel, haggy housewife enters scene with duct tape and the pointiest knife she received for wedding 12 years ago. Hero tries to reach "hands on fun" with shovel through pipe, no luck...cue sad little shmitt faces.

Haggy wife: "let's get a long board out of our pile of long boards and tape knife to board and pop "hands on fun" in the pipe." Cue shmitts, start fighting and crying about popping blue ball.

Hero: "We will have to turn off the water for a while so we can fix this." "Haggy wife, turn water out of this ditch and into the pasture"

Haggy Wife: "let me get my awesome "midtown" bike, this is a perfect oppurtunity to ride my bike"

Hero: ( while walking to turn water) "forget it, I am already 1/2 way there!"

Haggy Wife: "Fine, your the hero, you save the day, you do everything" in a joking voice. Hero gives the, "I should have stayed single" look that is ever so present throughout the play.

(water dies down, tape is used to fasten knife to long board, shmitts are still acting like shmitts.)

Haggy wife: Just put the long board into the pipe and we will hear a pop, that means the ball will fit through the other side, and if this does not work let's get one of your guns and shoot it into the pipe, that will pop the d*mn $20 ball" (angry voice)

Hero: " I am not going to shoot a gun into a metal pipe, It will rickshaw and blow my head off!"

Haggy Wife: " Well, don't look into the pipe while shooting your gun, Duh."

Hero : "let's just try this knife thing first." (sighs LOUDLY)

Haggy Wife: "Fine, sounds great" (sighing LOUDER)

CUE shmitts, acting all crazy and bawling (mostly shmitt #2) because they are going to loose the "Hands On Fun" ball.

Hero inserts board into pipe and a "whoosh" is heard, the blue ball is popped! Hero and Haggy Wife are now giving each other the look of...(hands on fun, yes, this was the best $20 hands on fun we could have had all summer!) Water is turned back on, blue ball flows out of the other side of the pipe, and Tuesdays irrigation is going strong. Hero and Haggy Wife yell at 3 shmitts, telling them not to put anything into pipe blah blah blah.

Haggy Wife to Hero: "I am so going to blog about this!"

Hero: " I am sure you will, Just make sure you call all of the kids something that rhymes with shmitt."

Haggy Wife: "I will, oh, I will."

CURTAIN FALLS...Shmitty kids can still be heard fighting about the popped blue ball.

The End.